Day.

Eventful day recap:

-Warriors up 3-1.
-Lakers exact opposite.
-Bridge connecting 580 to 80 just before the Bay Bridge collapses.
-Had first Ben & Jerry's pint in a month.
-Regrets the above, returns to detox tomorrow.

-Still don't know what to do.
-Everytime I think I've made a decision, something comes up that I think is a sign that I'm making the wrong decision. And the I over analyze the sign, rethink the whole situation, wash, rinse, repeat. It's not getting cleaner. I've even been thinking about all the advice I've received throughout my academic career. Will I be wasting my earlier years if I go do this? Will I be asserting the fact that I may never be in this situation again? Maybe it was a fluke, and that I was led to this very moment not because of what I wanted to do, but because I never realized it before. Now that I know what it is, or at least I think so now, I don't know how to handle it because it's still tough to get rid of the old me. I was set for the future, I knew, nay, I SAW what I was going to be in 10 years. But that was 3 years ago, and I did not see this. Blindsided, recovering may take more than good grades and good intentions; I'm lacking that something I need. I don't know what it is, but I know it's missing. Like that noodle dish that you had a long time ago that you really liked, and then you try it again years later and find that it's just not the same, but you can't quite put your finger on it? It's like that. It's funny too how you try and not think about it, but somehow leads to that very topic. I guess that's the definition of a "bottom line." I stared at a pair of shoes today, fantasizing that somehow it'll talk to me and tell me what I should do. My creativity process has been breached, and I can't reboot. I stare at the same pair, and then I look at my brushes, my paints, the knives, my black bandana and plaid nurse mask, I look at the posters around me, the broken desk lamp, the Crucifix, the picture of her and I, the books, the loose papers, the doodles, the orange boxes, the colors, the sketches, pens, pencils, markers, Post its, hats, paper bags, trash, clothes, the Artists' Way, my poetry book, everything.

I couldn't find an answer.